Come to the table.
A reflection for the New Year.
If you happened to last year’s New Years post (you can read it here), you would know that the end of year season has not always been one that has come easy for me. In fact, last year was the first time in over 23 years that I didn’t experience the usual feeling of fear and dread as the clock approached midnight. Instead, I experienced a sense of calm and safety, even peace.
Now another year has passed, and as I sit with a hot cup of Maxwell House French Vanilla Instant Coffee in hand, on the first day of this new year, I am eager to capture my experience of this past week leading up to New Years Eve.
Different from the “settling in and gentle surrender” of last year, this year I felt more of a “stirring.” Interestingly, over the course of the holidays, Psalm 23 would keep coming to my mind, in particular verse 5a that reads:
“You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.”
In all honesty… I thought it odd.
Why in this season, when I find myself sitting down on multiple occasions at a beautifully adorned table, well set with delicious food and surrounded by family and friends, would this particular verse be knocking at the door of my heart? How was I meant to make sense of how this verse was to prepare me to receive this new year, 2024?
I did not want to miss out on what was going on inside of my heart, body and mind, so I was intentional to take time to slow down (yes, slowing down, actually takes time) and to be present to how I was feeling.
Here are a few of my observations:
Physically: I was feeling tired. This year, between pre-Christmas and New Years, we went to two countries and across five states to visit family. The hours upon hours packed tightly in our car were tiresome and uncomfortable (mostly due to the over intake of food, and the notable decrease in physical activity). Not to mention, the repetitive packing, unpacking, then packing up again, that nicely put, was ‘unpleasant.’ There were times that tensions ran high while patience ran thin. However, even in the thick of it, the silent glances exchanged between my husband and myself affirmed our knowing that it was all worth the time we were able to spend with our loved ones.
Emotionally: I felt both full and empty, simultaneously. With such limited time with family, I felt myself trying to ‘make the most’ of every moment. Packing in as many hugs and as much meaningful conversation as possible. Most of it which was life-giving, entertaining, thought-provoking, but also at times, triggering. It is so lovely to share fun and meaningful memories with others, but at the same time it isn’t always easy to hold each other’s struggles, heartaches and brokenness.
Mentally: Activated. (Spoiler alert…confession incoming) As a mom, I was busy trying to maximize “family engagement time,” which meant a concerted effort to nearly eliminate screen time for my 12- & 10-year-old boys (which is exhausting in and of itself). But while my boys were screen-free, I did ‘allow’ myself Social Media breaks (total double standard, I know, I know) which meant I was bombarded influx of messages across my feeds. Here is a sampling…
“How to set your intentions to manifest your dreams in 2024!”
“Ditch the Intentions – Cut Yourself Some Slack”
“How to Set Intentions in Middle Life.” (Ha! Guess that’s me!)
“Disappear for a month and change your life!” (is that even possible?)
“Sometimes your memory is your worst enemy. Let it go.”
“Complete Body Reset in 2024. Eat more. Lose Weight.”
Not to mention the flurry of year end offers that I was being told I didn’t want to miss!
Because I had set the intention to notice what I was feeling leading up to New Years…. I had pre-determined to not indulge in the content, rather to make note of how the messages made me feel; positive, negative, or neutral. Needless to say, the majority of the content added more negative stress than positive, as it mostly highlighted, by comparison to others, what is seemingly wrong with me and what needs to be changed, fixed or made over.
Through all the emotion and commotion, Psalm 23:5 “You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.” kept on making its way to my thoughts, and I could hear a voice calling…
“Come to my table.”
between the ‘hellos’ & ‘good-byes’, and the ‘thank you’ & ‘your welcomes’
in the middle of the ‘intentions vs. resolutions’ and all the ‘New Year, New You’ adages
above all the ‘money back guarantees’ and promises for ‘quick fixes’...
I could still hear, “Come to my table. Come. Esperansita, come.”
Although it still was not clear to me how “in the presence of my enemies” played a part, it still felt important. So as I held on to my wondering and opened my heart to what heaven may want to show me, I began to have eyes to see the ‘enemies’ in my midst.
Obligations. Demands. Exhaustion.
Comparison. Unmet Expectations. Disappointment.
Fear of the uknown. Worry. Anxiety.
Loss. Sadness. Grief.
Past hurt. Harm. And trauma.
Failure. Isolation. Shame.
(to name a few….)
These enemies were real.
They had shape, form, and eyes of their own. They had presence and felt familiar, some even safe. They had made room for me at their table, as early as my childhood kitchen table and at the lunch tables at my elementary and high school. Others, I had met up with for a ‘few rounds’ at the bar, or alone at a coffee shop. Some were constant companions, others came in and out of my life, picking up right where we had left off.
And the crazy thing was, that all the while I found myself in the company of my enemies, there stood a table. One that had already been set just for me by the Good Shepherd Himself, with the very things my heart, body and soul had needed in each and every moment that I had ever lived.
Acceptance.
Assurance.
Hope.
Forgiveness.
Peace.
Healing.
Redemption.
Rest.
(to name a few…)
Yet sadly, so many times I never came to the table.
Instead, I spent so much time trying to force my body and my thoughts into submission. I constantly found myself lost again in my own struggles, that all too soon turned into yet another failure, that then led to shame and isolation of my heart from myself, others and God! In my desperation, I would feed on my addictions and coping mechanisms just to make it through.
But now I can see that it wasn’t until I accepted the “invitation” to the table He had prepared for me, that I was able to disrupt the old habits and find the rest my heart had been searching for all along.
So, as I step into this new year, I take hold in one hand this question:
Where will I feed my heart, body and soul when it needs nourishment?
And in the other hand, the answer in the form of an open invitation:
“Come to my table.”
This invitation isn’t just for me. It is for you too! Will you eat from the table the Good Sheperd has prepared for you?
I leave youwith Psalm 23 in its entierty. May His goodnes and love follow you each and every day of this new year.
See you at the table.
Psalm 23
The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.
Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.
